


Queen Patsy vs. The Peasants

by bettydice (BettyKnight)



Series: Kirkmall AU [10]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Drunk Shenanigans, F/M, Humour, Kirkmall AU, The Kirkmall B-Sides, Twin Hawkes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-21
Updated: 2016-06-21
Packaged: 2018-07-16 10:50:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7265047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BettyKnight/pseuds/bettydice
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Will Sir Rutherford be able to complete Queen Patsy's drunken quest?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Queen Patsy vs. The Peasants

“Alright listen up, it’s Random Side Quest time and Queen Patricia needs some more beer from the far away land of Kitchen Counter.”

Her declaration was met with unenthusiastic groaning from the ungrateful peasants she had graced with her presence this evening. Only one single brave soul raised his fist in a pumping motion, signaling that he was eager to prove his worth in this quest for honour and alcohol.

“I am at your disposal, my lady.”

“Yes, please dispose of him.”

Fenris’ voice rumbled from the floor where he laid stretched out, apparently not able to hold up any of his limbs on his own anymore. Patsy stretched out her arm to swat him as a reprimand for his comment but it turned more into an affectionate pat of his face. It was a good face. And she was the Queen. And Cullen was going to bring her more beer. Which she clearly needed. Unlike her sister, who was clutching a mostly-full bottle while staring at Cullen and still laughing about a comment he’d made 3 minutes ago. This is why _Patsy_ was Queen and Bobby the unofficial jester.

“I can always count on you, Sir Rutherford.”

Patsy graciously bowed her head and then had to fight the urge to continue bowing with her whole body until she could press her face against the floor.

“What is the nature of this quest? Is a new beverage all you require?”

Patsy continued randomly patting Fenris’ face-area, this time because she couldn’t reach Cullen and she wanted to pat him for being the only one willing to participate in what was clearly the _best game ever_ , and giggled as her fingers landed on Fenris mouth and he attempted to bite them.

“The acquisition of some beer is the most important part.” Wait, who was talking in a very fake british accent? _Oh, that’s me. Awesome, so convincing!_ “There’ll… Additional treasure shall await you, my knight, if you can find some… uh… man, some chocolate would be sweet.”

“Chocolate!” Bobby repeated happily and rested her head on Cullen’s shoulder.

“Depending on… on time… the time of your empire. Century.” Fenris mumbled against her fingers and she covered his mouth completely because she already knew what was coming. Fenris regained control of one arm and fought with her to release his mouth. She let him win because he was hot. “No chocolate yet.”

“Boooooo!”, was Bobby’s contribution. Cullen looked clomptemp… colmpen… Contemplative. No. Nuh-uh.

“No thinky-thoughts about fake history! I mean… BEGONE evil doubts. Bring me what I desire and you shall be clompensated like… _like whoa._ ”

This was already taking way too long, she might have actually been quicker if she just got the stuff herself. But that would be stupid.

Cullen sat up straight and then looked from Bobby to Fenris.

“Am I the only contender?” He sounded almost disappointed. “Maybe if you could tell us about the reward that will await us? Your Highness?”

“Oooooooh, money!” Bobby clapped her hands excitedly and even Fenris’ head perked up at the prospect of monetary gain. _AS IF._

“Whoever gets me my shit, shall receive my eternal gratitude.”

“Booooooooo, that’s worthless.” _Shut up, Bobby._ Fenris, the traitor, lowered his head again, too.

“And, uh…” Patsy went through the content of her pockets and could only produce a three-year-old chapstick and empty gum wrappers. “How about… a kiss? From the Queen?”

“Worthless!” Bobby giggled and threw a bottle cap in Patsy’s direction.

Fenris somehow managed to assume a more-or-less sitting position, leaning heavily on Patsy and his chin came to rest on her shoulder.

“Tell me more.”

“A kiss.”

“Tongue?”

“Ewww, _gross!_ ” Another bottle cap came flying.

“Only for chocolate.”

“Uh, is tongue optional?” Cullen adjusted an invisible tie and cleared his throat.

“I challenge you!” Fenris slurred as he tried to get to his feet and before he could even get his well-formed butt off the floor, Cullen had already jumped up and then went on to sprint to Bobby’s kitchen and return with beer and chocolate faster than Patsy’s brain was able to process at this late hour.

Cullen’s face glowing with pride, he kneeled in front of Patsy and presented the loot. He truly was worthy of the Champion of Kirkmall title she’d given him a few months ago for completing all “The Big Famine” quests (Mostly fetch quests. Lunches for Patsy were very varied that week.)

“Once again, you’ve come through, Sir Rutherford. The kingdom owes you a lot.”

“Nerd!” Fenris muttered under his breath and reached for the bar of chocolate, yet didn’t get very far before Patsy swatted his hand away.

“As promised, you receive my gratitude and a kiss, as token of my affection and also my lips have a magic boost so your stats go up but we’ll figure that out later.”

“Your generosity knows no bounds, my queen.”

Patsy grabbed Cullen’s grinning face and pressed a big smooch on his cheek and she could literally feel the royal magic flow through her and emananate… emmm… stuff… what. Magic.

“Ewww, _gross!_ ” This time it was none other than Fenris who expressed his disgust and one of the bottle caps was launched into the air, only barely missing Cullen’s forehead. They lived in dangerous times. Which was why it was so important to feed yourself.

Patsy grabbed the chocolate and eagerly unwrapped it, yet halted her movements once she felt three pairs of hungry eyes resting on her. She contemplated the situation for a moment and then sighed.

“Fine. Let’s feast together, _peasants._ ”

This time, the bottle cap hit her in the face.


End file.
